Archive for July, 2012
Taken in Indian Wells
Taken in Indian Wells
“There is more hunger for love and
appreciation in this world than for bread.”
- Mother Teresa
One definition of love is a feeling of warm, personal attachment.
The ability to love and be loved came in a package that was carefully wrapped in the tissue of fear, apprehension, self doubt, loathing at times, mis-trust, and shame. Many layers, I might add.
As I was guided in the unwrapping of this precious gift, by sponsors and wise women friends, I came to covet the feeling of love… secretly, as I admired it in others. They seemed able to love one another easily… without conditions. They seemed able to accept love as if they had practiced the art since birth!!!
What was their secret?
How come I never accepted my gift of love as I was growing up? Why did I question the motives of those who may have tried to give me their gift?
It took years for me to understand that it was an inside job. I kept waiting for the right person to have the key to my loneliness.
Little did I know I was the gatekeeper to my own soul…
Thank God for God, and the angels He placed in my life. Thank God for their patience with me, and the words they spoke so gently…
“Patricia, just let us love you until you can learn to love yourself”
I have the ability to speak those words to women who are struggling with the same fears I had when I entered the rooms of my 12 step program, a very damaged woman.
Paying it forward is a priceless gift.
I have learned that if I can be the best that I can be in all that I do… with enthusiasm, trust and joy. Or, I can doubt myself, deny myself the experience and pout!
Today I choose to give it all I have.
I spent too many years sitting on the fence of ambivalence, wishing and hoping for my “luck” to change, get better breaks, or win the lottery.
V I C T I M is not a pretty word, when I place it in front of my name. I lived as one for much of my life, and didn’t realize it until I found the answers I had been seeking. Not in the lower places I had been looking but in the rooms of a 12 step program that had been in existence for many years.
I was not looking for a recovery program because I didn’t think I had a substance abuse problem. I thought it was “THEM”!!!! Oh boy, was I ever shocked to find out I had a disease that had escalated over almost 20 years to the point that I didn’t care if I lived or died.
One day at a time, one meeting at a time, one step at a time, one inventory at a time, one prayer at a time… I was healed from a seemless hopeless state of mind and body. I began to find myself, I found God and I found you!
So almost 30 years later I feel comfortable in my own skin and strive to be the best I can be one moment at a time… and I like this way of living so much better!
I didn’t become Happy, Healthy and In Love overnight… I want to share my journey with you. I want to share my dreams with you, my photos as I see life today, and together we can share our hopes… I look forward to hearing from you as well.
Why do people take advantage of others? Criminals commit crimes, unsuspecting individuals can only protect themselves and react to those crimes in a dignified way.
A call from credit company asking if I made two purchases at Home Depot and two at Target two days ago was a surprise and I could honestly say I don’t use that card for purchases. Instead of getting angry and taking it out on the person on the other line I could graciously answer a few ? and relax when she reassured me that we are not responsible for the charges. The card was reported stolen and would be reported to the three credit agencies.
I don’t need to figure out why, or when it could have been confiscated, or by internet or whatever…
I don’t like the idea that there are dark souled individuals that prey on innocent victims, thinking they are out-smarting the system.
In my heart I know Kharma is a silent net that catches up to even the craftiest of hoodlums…
I slept like a baby…
love comes in all sizes…
I can’t look to the outside world for my happiness and peace. I have learned it is an inside job. My life finds me “Happy, Healthy and in Love”… as a direct result of doing what it takes to change the parts in me I can no longer embrace.
Those feelings of guilt, shame, indifference, unworthiness, inability to love or be loved and fears of many colors had to be brought to the light, uncovered, discovered and discarded.
Not an easy job for one who balanced on the fence of indifference for over half of my life.
Almost 30 years of working on the me I have come to love has been worth it.
If I want change, I make changes… I don’t wait for you to change to suit me… refreshing!!!