9/2/2012 Indian Wells, CA
9/2/2012 Indian Wells, CA
I don’t want to take anything for granted… including regretting the time I have left on this earth.
I have accomplished some pretty amazing feats in my recovery including finding the real me that was locked up in a floating casket on the River of Denial.
I was a Zombie, moving but not living. Trapped in a place where I couldn’t look at who I was, who I had become and where I was going.
Thank God for God, and thank God I finally, in the depths of despair cried out to a God I did not understand, believe in, and was pretty pissed off at, for my life.
My life changed, about 10 minutes after uttering, what I now know was my cry of desperation: “God help me I cannot live like this anymore!” That’s when the phone rang and the only person in the world that I knew in recovery called and said… “P. are you o.k.? Just a minute ago I had a feeling that something was wrong with you” My first miracle…
There have been so many over the years, but to make a long story short, I have been given a second chance at life. I have been given the gift of a loving God, loving husband, children, two amazing grandchildren, siblings that recently re-united after almost 45 years (another story), and a fellowship and sisterhood that are beyond my wildest dreams.
I get to help women who are newer in recovery by teaching them how to work the 12 steps, and how to incorporate them into their lives. I get to love them until they learn to love themselves, like I was taught almost 30 years ago.
The Pacific Ocean was my first Higher Power… for years, that evolved to the Fellowship that helped love me back to life, and then easily transitioned to this loving God that lives within me, dissolving all of my fears and who taught me to love and let go of my ego.
This love of life included taking photographs to help me remember the sunrises and sunsets over that magnificent Pacific Ocean… and when we moved to the desert back in 1994 the mountains and the Palm trees caught my eye. Clouds are my rock stars! They take the sun, shadows and light and dance with them high above me.
So today for my exercise perhaps I will check out the mountains nearby. The best time is sunrise and sunset, because the shadows they cast bring out the life in them.
It depends on the light, if that doesn’t work, I will surprise myself and just let it flow… and whatever it is, I am stepping out of my comfort zone again today. Baby steps…
For years, actually decades I have learned to trust that still small voice within. I know it is my God whispering in my ear. I don’t need God to shout at me very often, whispering is enough. But that was not the way it was for the first almost four decades of my life. My addictions to just about everything that would allow my to “numb” my feelings had a hold of my spirit and would not let go! My God was suffering from a case of laryngitis from screaming at me… in vain! The road from there to here has been a long and winding road… lots of hills and valleys that I had trudged, with love and support from my life coaches. I became willing to learn, take direction, work HARD and swallow my pride and ego. Reflection comes easy to those of us who don’t need to deny our pasts, for it is the grace that we get to pass on… So reflect I will… And for now the little voice is purrrrrring…. contented, happy, joyous and free! as I “remember to breathe…” I am breathing in and out the life of God and remembering God Is My Only Source.